This is a tribute for my 'used-to be-my best friend'.
"Do you really understand what friend are for? Do you realize why your friend are keeping their distance from you? Do you realize that darling? ..because they (including me) can't stand any words that came out from you.."
Yes. These words are kinda harsh and mean from me. I am sorry. I have reach the limit of my patience. I don't want to act like I am the one who is always to be blamed anymore. I don't want to give any stupid reason to you like I always did. I don't want to pretend like nothing happen and did my best to protect your feeling. I need to stop that.
You want to know the truth? You want me to be bold and transparent? You want no secret between us? I warn you, this can be very harmful. I won't do that in case if you made me to do it. Like I did now..
"Sorry, I can't go out with you because I need to go out for a date with my Teddy"
"Sorry, I'm very busy lately with my work."
"Sorry, I don't know when did you change your work"
"sorry, I can't be there because.. (fill in the blank yourself) "
I don't blame you for not believing all the stupid reasons I gave you. I did that to protect your feeling. Why? I am trying my best not to give you the real reason - I don't want to see you. It's not about Teddy..or work.. or anything. It's just about me. I don't want to hang out together with you. That's the main reason.
Okay. I am being very mean here. Accept it. Try to understand first and not just pointing your finger at me or anyone else.
I know. You will blame me for not being there by your side every time you need me. I'm not there for your akad nikah. I'm not there to hang out with you once in 4 years while you're back from Japan. I'm not there when you are giving birth to your 1st son. I'm not there. That's what best friend are for is it? to be there beside you every time when needed. ..but sadly I'm not there.
Like Akon said. "you can put your blame on me"..
I fail to be by your side at that time. It's useless to explain anything since you will never accept any explanation. I have my own reason for not being there.
I don't think that best friend MUST be there by your side every time in need. Sometimes we have our own problem and reasons for not being there. Something more important or higher priority than that. Best friends are someone who understand you and giving all support for any decision you made. Best friend will never hurt each other with their words. Not just simply criticize and giving own opinion without considering your feeling. I will never do that to you. I will never complaint your dress are stupid, your boyfriend is useless, your body so skinny, your hair style is the worst ..or anything.. because I know words can be very deceiving. Internal bleeding can cause you to die slowly in a very painful way.
I have forgive you for what you have said during my engagement. It's ok to accept when you complaint that I look fat because I know that is the truth..but it's not ok when you start criticizing about everything else. My engagement ring looks so cheap. My fiance's digi cam is not good compared to your SLR. My henna on my hand..
You spoiled my mood with your words. You spoiled my 'perfect-little-engagement-ceremony' that I can only experienced it once in a lifetime. I tried to be happy but I can't. So, I just pretend to be happy. I feel so down to earth for all the things that I got. That's all I can afford and please don't compare the price with my own satisfaction.
Please think before you said anything. When you come to celebrate somebody's wedding, no body will say something bad in front of the couple. You will give them compliments and share their happiness to celebrate their big day. You will say something like "You look so beautiful today" although you think the bride's make up make her looks like a witch. When you come to see a new born baby, you will definitely say the baby is so cute although you think the baby is as ugly as his parent (I'm being very mean again). Hey, don't said that you never had that kind of mean thinking! That's why sometimes white lies are important. You can't just simply said anything that come across your mind especially on somebody's big day..
I have forgive you. I give you so many chances to change..but I know you will never change. You will point to somebody else to be blame. You want everyone to listen to you and obey your order. You are lucky to have your childhood friends to be by your side every time you need them but please don't be ignorant. Understand their feelings and respect them. They are great friends and please appreciate them.
That's why I choose to play safe - to stay away from you. Not to be near you means not to be mentally tortured by your words. That's what you need to know dear..
Please forgive me for everything I've done. Don't hate me because I am being very mean to you. I hope we can still be friend like before. Time will heal everything and I hope I day we will meet again to forgive and forget.
I admit it. I'm anuptaphobia ~ afraid of being single. I knew that since I've never been 'single' for more than 3 months from the past 10 years. Hehehehe.. Officially, I have 8 ex's (unofficial - more than that) and the longest relationship was 2 years but within that time I get bored and built another new relationship. The shortest was 1 month (which I suspect that guy might be gay) and I don't want to take any risk when he started to go to the gym everyday and start telling me stories about his gym instructors. Ouch!!
No..I'm not a bad girl. I'm not the only one to be blame for having so many ex's. I used to suffer from heartbreak (dig my diary and you'll find the proof here).
To Lan - I'm sorry because I left you for another guy
To Nizam - I'm sorry because I get bored easily
To Ruz - I admire you but I know we will never be together
To Imran - how could you involve your mother at the first place?
To Zaki - To be honest, I'm frustrated..but completely get over the feeling when I knew Ayuni (Please..don't hurt her feelings and repeat the same mistake)
To Syed - you made my life like hell..really. Get away from me
To Achap - No chemistry between us
To Zul - I hope you are happy with your marriage
I am being very honest here. This entry is made as a tribute to them. Please forgive me for what I have done and thank you for all the experience, the feelings and the memories. I learn so much from it and that made me a woman today.
I stop my searching for Love when I found Isa Yassir Arafat (a.k.a Teddy). I found my other half. I will fall in love every time when I saw him. I will never get tired for mentioning his name to everyone and I can't stop myself from smiling every time when he came across my mind. I am very proud to have him as my fiance.
I love the way he is. I love his smile and envy his dimples. I love the way his small eyes shrink when he smiles. I love his smell. I love his broad shoulder and chest. I love his sexy legs. I love his cute butt. I love everything about him. The way he looks, his voice, his jokes, his laugh, his kindness.. etc. etc. etc.
I hope that he will be mine forever. I hope that I can have kids that have my eyes and his dimples. I hope that he can protect me all the time. I hope that he will loves me forever.
I'm looking forward for this date;
22nd December 2007
He will be mine. 1 more day to go..